Slack Off 80 lvl: 8 Types of Office Loafers
“Work is not a wolf, work is work”, — says some middle manager and goes to drink coffee with pastries made by the golden hands of the caring secretary, Lena. In the process, the “great worker” leaves the management without a report, colleagues in a fierce deadline, and the HR department in confusion: what is wrong with their motivation system?
And no, don't hope, no matter how much you hate your lazy colleague, he won't be fired. There are countless reasons for this. One of the main reasons is that you've encountered a God-level slacker. So stop grinding your teeth and annoying only yourself and the office plants. Instead, try to understand what type of slacker your inactive desk mate belongs to and how to deal with it.
The Liar
“I made it! I was late, but I made it!” (from the movie “Liar Liar”)
Probably the most popular subtype of loafers. They will always find a reason not to submit work on time, not to attend meetings, to leave early, and even to claim the fee promised to you, not him. He will find the sympathy button for the entire staff by means of a tear-jerking and quite plausible, at first glance, story about a hungry family, where seven are at the table, or about a nearly terminally ill spouse. This person is worthy of at least — a commendation from Stanislavsky, at most — an Oscar for Best Dramatic Role. Of course, this is just an example, because the “liar” has several years' worth of drama scenarios prepared, and one of the stories is bound to hit.
Of course, they cannot lay off such an employee, remembering the nearly orphaned children.
The Activity Imitator
“I will do anything for you... if it isn't too complicated.” (from the series “The Simpsons”)
A person belonging to this class of slackers is always busy with something, often not at their workplace: either in a meeting, or at an important conference about saving humanity, or possibly even on an unauthorized business trip. The “Imitator” will create an image of a business partner, earning the praise of the boss. But you will not receive a clear report on the work done. On some days, they are so engrossed in their activities that even during lunch breaks, they stare at their computer screen without interruption. Naturally, against a backdrop of chewing colleagues, such an employee will appear to be a hero in the eyes of management. However, no one will check what their colleague is so engrossed in on the monitor. They won’t have time to, as they have an important meeting with a client in half an hour.
Buddy
“I am your new friend, get used to it” (from the series “Scrubs”)
This employee is liked by everyone. After all, he is the life of the party, a playful lover of corporate events, the main idea generator, and the team's inspirer. But as soon as this team is formed, he steps aside, allowing his colleagues to enjoy their hard work to the fullest.
The “Buddy” will not burden himself with complicated tasks, as he has wonderful colleagues who will lend him their strong shoulders. In essence, it's tough to find fault with such an employee, as he will indeed present the project on time, thanks to the actions of the collective. He'll give each a friendly tousle, tell a joke, and even bring coffee. But working is not his strong point; the slacker’s task is to make friends.
By the way, in case of poorly performed tasks, the “Buddy” can evade responsibility, as all corrections must be made by his wonderful, beloved colleagues.
The Primadonna
“Personally, I only come to work because it elevates me.” (from the movie “Office Romance”)
The star of the office. If it’s a woman, her crazy “productivity” is even screamed at by her carefully chosen gel nail polish. If it’s a man — a businesslike gait and a wise look typical of someone who has survived the harsh life of the office.
The main activity of the “Primadonna” is to outshine colleagues without burdening herself with deadlines. These people demand high salaries, additional privileges, a personal office filled to the brim, a personal coffee mug, and an accompanying barista. Nobody truly knows what the employee is occupied with, but everyone understands that seeking advice from them is not worthwhile. Likely, the response will be, “That’s not my area,” or “It’s not part of my job description.”
Stars are usually either not respected or feared, as they are very close to top-level managers.
The Klutz
“The media? Is that Too Much Information?” (from the series “The Office”)
“I don’t know how, but I will definitely learn,” says this character to management, shoulders hunched and glasses adjusted in their big frames. Typically, this type of slacker has a clumsy gait and a hefty build, loves to munch at their desk, and huffs over an ostensibly complex task requiring special concentration. They do not participate in noisy collective gatherings to avoid revealing the secret of their idleness. Although most often, the slacker genuinely believes that the issue is not laziness but rather a lack of experience, which they are about to gain.
Any attempts to burden your “klutz” with work will lead to failure and, most likely, tears. Therefore, after several unsuccessful attempts to “shake” the subordinate, the director will stop intruding into the lazy person's personal space and placing any hopes on them.
The Advisor
“Tell me something I don’t know. Surprise me.” (from the movie “Wall Street”)
He will certainly tell you how to do it right, pointing out your inadequacies. Advisors are not made; they are born. In life’s troubles, they are also skilled professionals, so may heaven save you from telling this individual about family problems, financial shortages, or the bleakness of your assigned project. He always has a golden opinion for which he is loved and respected by higher authorities. How does such a colleague manage to do nothing and still get paid? Nobody knows, of course, except the insatiable know-it-all advisor.
No matter how much you hide from him in the bathroom, break room, or coffee machine, he will always find you and insert his two cents.
The Romantic
“— If everything you said is true, then you're fired!
— Really? I hadn’t thought of that.” (from the movie “What Women Want”)
And outside, the birds are singing, it’s spring, or fall, or winter... The “Romantic” is indifferent to the change of seasons outside the double-glazing, trembling with an inner freedom, overflowing with attention to his own person and personal experiences. The words “deadline,” “crisis,” and “urgently” mean nothing to him. He beautifully dilutes the seemingly aimless hustle of colleagues with his positive attitude, diminutive suffixes, and promises that the work will definitely be done, but... tomorrow, tomorrow. And today, there is an urgent need to dream and go see secretary Lena for a couple of liters of tea.
The key here is to choose the right leader. If the “Romantic” is a man, the company should be headed by a woman. Alas, such are gender stereotypes. Although anything can happen.
The Microbe Person
“— Don’t hit me on the head; that's my sore spot!
— That’s your empty spot!” (from the movie “Office Romance”)
You will only know their name from the sick leaves, which during their service have accumulated into a tome reminiscent of “War and Peace.” This colleague is always seriously busy, most often with an unexpectedly acute hypertension attack in the middle of the workday. With a suffering expression, he can endure a few hours for show before going to the commander’s office to request paid time off.
However, it’s very difficult to fire such a patient, that is, subordinate, because the “Microbe Person” always perfectly creates the illusion of activity while simultaneously telling all colleagues about their new ailments.
How to Get Along with a Slacker
So, if you didn't find any of these “symptoms” of laziness in yourself, then you are still a responsible employee, and you need advice on how not to turn your cohabitation with such individuals into a never-ending nervous tic. Put aside your revenge plan.
1. Focus on your work, don't allow your slacker colleague to distract you.
2. Stop trying to prove to management that your acquaintance is loafing; concentrate on your project instead.
3. Don't do the work for your lazy mate. Remind yourself of your deadlines.
4. Don’t let your colleague decide anything for you. Their advice may not always work in your favor.
5. Count to 10 and regain your composure and positive attitude. There's no need to waste time on incompetent people.
6. Even in kindergarten, we were told that tattle-telling is bad. Management might view it as you meddling in their affairs.
7. Don’t adopt their bad habits and don’t become a slacker yourself, even if you receive the same salary for vastly different volumes of completed work.
